Tuesday, 1 April 2008

Very down - sorry

Thank you for all your lovely comments lately. I am sorry that I haven't blogged in ages. The last 2 weeks have been so busy I just haven't found the time to sit in front of the computer. Even though we have 2 computers, we only have an internet connection for one at a time and as OH lives on the computer, unless I get up v.early I don't get a chance.

Also, I haven't been in the right frame of mind to write anything. I am feeling really down lately and really don't want to bring everyone else down with me. You know when you just feel alone and that no matter what you do it is wrong, that you look out for everyone else and no one looks out for you, that if you try and say anything it gets twisted and thrown back at you, and when you feel like you do everything and nothing is appreciated - well, this is me at the moment.

I don't know where I want to be, or who I want to be with, apart from Misty. Maybe I just need to make some hard decisions about my future.

I'll leave it there, as I could rant on for ages and don't want to bore anyone or bring anyone down. I hope that my head will be back together soon and I can be my 'normal' self again. I have been having bouts of depression since my early 20's and I know that I will snap out of it soon. Love you all xxxxx


dND said...

Been there and got the t-shirt. Feel free to rant, talking/blogging is good.

Do you have any close friends near by you can talk with? Not sure where you are in France (I'm not far from Bergerac) but if you ever need too, I'm always willing to listen.

My love and thought are with you

Debra in France said...

Hi dnd, thank you so much for your kind words. Now I'm crying - bugger. All our friends here know both of us and I don't want to alter their views of OH by moaning about him.

dND said...

Debra, my e-mail is on my profile if you need it.

Ps we don't just share a name but star sign too!

softinthehead said...

Oh Debra sounds tough - but you must get it off your chest and talk with someone just to help get everything in perspective. I wish I could drop by for a cuppa and a chat. If you think it would help, spill it here, I thought it was spring there, bulbs and such - I know a stint in my garden always helps. Don't disappear again, remember we are all here for you.

Debra in France said...

Hi dnd, thank you, i may take you up on that.

Hi SITH, you are right about perspective. I started to write it all down, then thought that it sounded so pathetic. I think it is lots of trivial things that build up to one big hurt. I did go out and cut the grass after I blogged this morning, then the mower ran out of petrol and all the petrol need filling up!

Debra in France said...

I meant to say that the petrol cans all need filling up.

softinthehead said...

Debra - oh no - another one of my favourite sayings (we're talking about lawnmowers now) is "if at first you don't succeed - f**k it" - when it comes to gardening, I see you pottering around amongst your chickens and pots, not mowing!! :) Don't care how pathetic it sounds, spill it, we will let you know - looks like you have control of the computer at the moment, so make the most of it

aims said...

Dearest Debra - A lot of us know where you are coming from and what you are saying. And how that seems to be the worst spot to be in - and it IS really bad - but you know there are worse ones out there..so try and hold on to that.

I too could go on and on about depression and men...we all know that!! But instead - I am going to put down here some words I read recently and saved. Hope you like them...

The garden has been my therapy. Here among the flowers and the bright fruit, when the light is brand new and everything is fresh and wet and the leaves are beaded up with dewdrops, I work in the household of nature and refresh my spirit. It seems to me that every weed I pull is a bit of grief I am learning to set aside, a tear I've weeded out so that good cheer can grow again.

Thinking of you - and like the others - I'm here if you need me and will lend eyes and ears if needed...

Breezy said...

Oh Debra wish I was there to lend you an ear and a shoulder. Feel free to make full use of both when we get back (or e mail in the mean time) ((((hugs))))

Mean Mom said...

It's hard to know, sometimes, whether everything is wrong, and that's why you are depressed, or whether you are depressed and that's why everything feels wrong. When I am feeling 'low', I only see my husband's 'bad' points, but if I am feeling OK, I see his 'good' points and the 'bad' become unimportant.

A few weeks ago, I was feeling so low, that I would have been ashamed to mention it to anyone, so I wrote it all out in a notebook. I was shocked when I read it back, a couple of weeks later. I think I must have a secret twin. I suppose what I am trying to say, hopefully, not in a patronising way, is - best not to rush into anything.

Living the Dream said...

Oh Debra, I don't know what to say. You know you can always call me and we can have a chat, after all, I know you much better than OH. Please take care, don't do anything rash.
Much love

Maggie May said...

Really sorry to hear that you are feeling so low. Better to talk about it than to bottle it up. In fact that is positively dangerous.
I'm sure your blogging friends are there for you and all of us will listen with empathy, as most of us have been there at some time or other.
Treat yourself to some thing nice....... take care x

Almost American said...

Oh Debra, if I thought my words would help, I'd babble on and on . . . You do have a lot of people who care how you're doing.

Are you getting any 'you' time? With all you have on your plate, I would guess probably not, or not enough.

I spent most of last year 'living better through chemistry'. Much as I hated to take anti-depressants, for me they were key to getting me through a situation I hated. The situation didn't really change,but the drugs got me through the difficult part and now I'm able to see the positive in it and enjoy life again.

Do you have 2 computers? Can you get both of them online? We did that with a wireless router even when we still had dial-up and it was SO nice not to have to wait for DH to be done before I could go online!

Anyway, do keep us updated! If you just disappear we will be very worried!

Sending you virtual hugs!

The Lehners in France said...

Hi Debra, sometimes the isolation, culture and spending more time together can make things hard. It's difficult to talk sometimes because you don't want people to judge you or your partner differently, (somehow it feels disloyal) I've been there.

When things are bad the situation is magnified by starting a sinple five minute task and it takes all afternoon, it's so frustrating.

You are a true cat lover and I hope you can get some comfort from your cats in your despair. Be strong, and it's good you have dnd to hand. I also share your names. Kind regards and a big hug in a blog. Debs

A Mother's Place is in the Wrong said...

Dear Debra, so glad I stopped by, and I will echo what everyone else has said - we are here for you. I have known depression too, and have got through it somehow. I think the world doesn't change really, only the way we feel about it! Give yourself what you really feel you need - be kind to yourself, and find someone you can talk to - even if it's us Bloggers! Love and thoughts, M xx

Debra in France said...

Hi SITH, I would rather potter with pots and flowers than mow the lawn! After I read your last message I went to make and cuppa and lost the internet connection!

Hi Aims and Breezy, thank you so much for you good thoughts. Looking forward to seeing you soon B.

Hi Mean Mom, You are so right. When I actually thought about it all a day later, everything seemed so trivial and I felt daft to have let it all affect me like that.

Hi Hazel, thank you so much for calling. It was lovely to speak to you again.

Hi Maggie May, Thank you. I did buy some pretty gladioli bulbs yesterday called Mon Amour. I can't wait to plant them.

Hi Almost American, I have had no me time for ages. My time seems to be taken up with housework, working, feeding us, laundry, shopping. I do feel stuck in a bit of a rut, but OH as agreed to go to an antiques fair in a chateau this afternoon - fingers crossed we actually get there!

Hi Lehners, Everything you have said is so true, that is exactly how I feel! We have only been here for 3 years and I dont feel able to critisize OH to them. Apart from when Breezy gets back here! I didn't feel able to anything at all the other day, I couldn't concentrate on anything, however I was able to play with little Misty the kitten!!

Hi Mothers place, thank you for all you kind words. You bloggers are the nicest people i have ever 'met'.

Wooly Works said...

Well, good, you're back! I'm glad you left some comments for me, or I wouldn't have known for another few days.

So sorry to hear that you've been down. Pop in to Breezy's blog and you'll laugh in spite of yourself. Take care and get to feeling better and remember that you're someone who counts. Thinking of you and praying for better days.